Your cliques

Every country on this planet operates like a loosely organized high school clique. They have another clique somewhere that they look down on, though in all likelihood they look down on all other cliques. Those people over there have some funny customs, hahaha, pathetic loser motherfuckers.

People organize the same way no matter what, churches, offices, swingers’ clubs, army units, all are full of little sub-groups of insecurity doing their best to look down on somebody else, because who you feel superior to defines who you are, that is, if you have nothing else to define who you are.

Cliques are where insecure, insignificant people try to feel cool by associating with other people, because even if you can’t really do anything well you can still avoid feeling like a loser if there is more than one of you. This is exactly what “national pride” is. Patriotism is taking the weakness and pathetic nature of the unambitious individual citizen and elevating it to the national scale, so that slackers and losers can feel like somebody because they were born here.

The truth about cops

You have to understand, cops are not like regular people. Most of your civilized society is terrified of being over-run, robbed, raped by the hordes of barbarians lurking just beyond the gates of their communities. They see the crimes on the news every night and to them the police force is their bulwark against all of that. They can see themselves having some horrible crime committed against them and needing to call 911 for help. They cannot afford to not rationalize every action of the police no matter what.

The respect and admiration you have for law enforcement personnel is directly proportional to how much of a pussy you are and how much you know about your average cop. Your fear makes you long for a hero, a savior, some John Wayne character to come save your weak ass from the bad guys. Most cops are not heroes and they are the furthest thing from “good people”. You don’t survive long dealing with the dregs of the community if you have a whole lot of empathy, and you don’t take a job with long stretches of boring, empty time if you are smart and talented either.

A cop can kill you tomorrow, just on a whim, for no reason whatsoever, and I guarantee that his punishment will be less than your average citizen who did the same thing. And very few people see anything wrong with that. You see they want to cling to the hero-fantasy, they want to believe that if the cop shot somebody they deserved it, and that desire to believe overrides common sense and any sense of right and wrong that they might otherwise have.

Don’t look up to anybody

The reason you keep being disappointed and caught up in the fake shock at some scandal is that everybody you look up to is human. Being human means that they struggle with some version of the same things you struggle with. It’s all struggle and failure, every attempt to make something of your life, to accomplish what few men have accomplished before you, involves fighting with the fact that you would much rather be surfing porn or having a threesome with your boss’s daughter and her mom than doing it.

People are human and thus liable to do stupid shit at any moment. Even “great” people, of which there have been none in your lifetime. The answer is simply not to expect a whole lot from anybody, not to worship people who may or may not jack off to anime in the privacy of their bedroom.

New frontiers for pornography

After you see a woman’s vulva and anus, what else is there to see as far for porn purposes? Eventually porn will need to go beyond the cervix and show us the uterus. I am betting on this to be the next big fetish. I think porn sites in the future will have nothing on them but uteri and maybe intestines. Check out this pornstar’s rectum. Who cares what she looks like, that’s where her shit goes before it leaves her body. Hot!!! Further up there for our premium customers is the duodenum.

Another path I can see porn taking is the addition of orifices, say, a surgically implanted vagina in an actresses thigh, or having her mouth replaced with another vagina, or even enlarged nostrils. It sounds pretty hardcore, I know, but I can imagine some attention-whoring chick going for it. Sextuple penetration porn.

The fact is that people do get jaded and humanity is running out orifices to tap, new things to see, new holes to talk your wife into letting your try. There has to be a step made in porn soon if they want to keep subverting society’s morals.

What you should remember about present and future Obama scandals

Here is the thing that you have to remember about the present attempts to tarnish Obama with the Emmanuel-Blagojevich scandal: Bill Ayers. If the Republicans would use an tangential, inconsequential relationship to make out that Obama is a Marxist America-hating terrorist then they will stop at pretty much nothing. If Obama so much as trips while walking it will be made out as something far worse, like maybe he was drunk or high on cocaine. Everything will be tied to the themes of terrorist, corrupt, and elitist. This is not to say that Obama may not have skeletons in his closet, just that for the next four years the GOP’s mudslingers will claim that he has nothing but skeletons in all his closets.

Whatever pretty words and claims of being fair and scrupulous they may make, whatever Jesuses they claim to worship, the way they see it they lost to a nigger. That is an intolerable state of affairs and is the only thing that matters. Whatever they say about loving America, or claiming to be pragmatic and moral the most important thing is to ensure that they do not lose to Obama again, whatever it takes. 

Hilarious ailments

1. Midgetism
Short people are automatically funny because nobody is threatened by them and we know how insecure they are about their height. Their attempts to compensate are obvious and in themselves amusing. Dwarfs, being particularly short, are particularly comical. They are also rare, so finding one is like finding money.

2. Strabismus
This is why Mike Huckabee is oddly funny for a republican. Laughter is partly about creating tension (the set-up) and then relieving it (the punchline). It’s a reflex. What makes people with wandering eyes funny is that there is a moment before you catch the good eye (the set-up), when you are not quite sure that they are looking at you.

3. Bandy legs
I can’t see somebody who looks like a Sergio Aragones cartoon cowboy without at least wanting to laugh. It’s wrong, I know.

4. Gopher-teeth
Disproportionately large incisors that give the person a rodent-like appearance. It is interesting that I have never met a decent, likable person with these. It’s almost like a sign of character for me these days. They are still funny to look at. I chalk it up to the fact that when they were in their early teens and were physically smaller, those teeth were probably the same size they are now, in their adult heads. It had to have been traumatic for them, worse than being fat.

5. Baldness
Only if the person is really insecure about it and tries to compensate like the vertically challenged people noted above. Combovers and toupees are comedy-gold, as is spray-on hair.

The wonders of sucking up

What you don’t seem to get, students of the world, hard-workers of the world, is that nobody cares about how smart you are or how hard you work or how well you do your job. It’s all about whether or not people like you, and like having you around. If people find you likable and charming, if you know how to kiss ass you will always have a job, and always be a serious candidate for performance no matter what your level of competence.

Ambition is not about actually accomplishing anything meaningful, it is about bullshit. You climb the ladder by providing a social high to the people who have the power to advance you.

When people do not like you you are basically fucked. Nothing will get you more than the occasional pat on the back from the boss as you slave away in your dead-end job. The police will charge you for infractions where they might have let somebody else off, juries will vote to convict you even when the evidence does not prove your guilt, your wife will leave you, and your kids will fall in love with their step-dad and put you out of their minds.

Knowing how to charm people is like having a pocketful of crack in a roomful of addicts.

That really is how Conservatives are…

Look, lefties, it’s not a figment of your imagination. I was a (social) Conservative at one point in my life, maybe to an extent still am, the point is that yes, they are bigots. Bigoted on every level that a mostly white, apparently heterosexual, fundamentalist people can be bigoted on. They hate and they do it for the all the spiteful reasons their parents were doing it during the Jim Crow era, they hate the way ordinary German people were made to hate the Jews, they hate with the fervor of a Jew hating a Palestinian. This is not propaganda, this is not about me trying to make anybody look bad, all it is is me telling you that the Republican stereotypes of ignorant, violent redneck, full of bitterness and looking for somebody to hurt are all true.

The question is how are you going to deal with it. They are not going away, and they have guns and they believe that it is their right to use them in order to correct society’s wrongs. Note that the combination of Evangelical “Christian” religion and the sense of victimhood that racists tend to feel also serves to block anything like a conscience that they may have once had.  What you have are armed not too bright sociopaths who are pissed off because their neighbors defied them and elected an evil (insert black-people slur of choice) into the White House.

This is a real problem and people need to stop pretending that your average Con is really a reasonable equal who can be talked away from the dark side.

Holyfield thinks the Rocky movies were real

Holyfield, 46, will soon fight for his fifth boxing world title

So Holyfield is going to fight for another title at age 46, which is pathetic, sad and I really don’t care. Boxing, especially Holyfield’s style of boxing, is boring, with no drama, no imagination, and the whole industry is run by corrupt, greedy assholes. It’s all about the payday, not the sport. The dumbasses don’t even have the brains to hide their corruption. Don King and his kind know former boxing fans blame them for the ruining it and still they don’t even have the brains to bring back a semblance of regulation and fairness. That said, MMA is about to going to be worse in a little while. A combination of boxing’s crooked farce and professional wrestling’s open, unfettered theatrics. The worst of both worlds with a dash of Chuck Palahniuk Fight Club homo-erotica thrown in for good measure.

In the future, fighting sports will be a combination of everything above with gay porn, so that all bouts will end with the winner anally penetrating the loser right there in the ring or cage.

Your kid is of little to no importance

One of the many afflictions of parenthood is the delusion that your child is particularly cute and/or unique to everybody else in the world. When you are in a conversation with a parent and their child is somewhere near and they pause the conversation to talk to their child what they really want is to direct your attention to said kid and for you to compliment them on it. Parents seem to have no clue that there are many people in the world who have no interest in reproducing and even less in their offspring.

They think that all adults are as used to the noisiness, the shrill, nerve-wracking screeches, the giggling and the endless dumb questions because they are. Basically their attempt to pass on genetic material is supposed to be as prized by you as it is by them.

Parents need to know that there are lots of people in this world who chose not to have kids precisely because they don’t like them. They need to teach their kids not to be annoying to those people and to keep their little mouths shut in public because one of them might be around. They should also know that it is somewhat insulting to introduce an acquaintance to a 5 year-old child. The assumption is that the person has nothing better to do than to shake their kids’ sticky, germy hand. It is, in essence a worthless gesture of no value to the adult.